This felt like such an important one to write. As someone who has experienced many dark nights of the soul, many crises of faith, and an absence of light, I do know how hard it can be. Throughout my life, there has been a wave of deep spiritual faith and a painful plummet of doubt. It took me years to first realize and then accept that the spiritual journey happens in a spiral and that we are never done healing. Not really. Not if we want to continue to grow, evolve and transcend the versions of ourselves that no longer serve us. 

I had a hard time with this. Believe me. There were many times when I felt like I must be done, I must be complete. Healed and therefore better. And therefore, able to finally live a life free of pain and suffering. Then, life would happen, the way that life does. And sometimes I would be patient and resilient, and other times I would falter. Sometimes still, I’d be so hurt by what had happened, or so confused by how strong my depression came back, that I’d start to question everything.

All my hard work, all my healing, all the times I had surpassed the ego and chosen the light-filled action or thought instead. I’d be feeling good, taking care of my body, feeling strong mentally and emotionally, and boom! Depression would kick it all in, like a house of paper.

I started to learn what brought the depression on and tried to avoid that or change it before it really built into despair. But inevitably it would come back and there I would be. In a crisis of faith.

What I have learned about the benefits of a Crisis of Faith

In those moments of despair, apathy or depression it can be hard to see the lesson or the opportunity. We may want to escape how we feel with destructive or depleting things like tv, social media or substances. Or we may run away from these feelings by burying ourselves in work, socializing or family.

Learning what is escapism for you and when that is harmful is difficult. There is something beneficial to giving ourselves a break from heaviness and just resting or enjoying life. And sometimes, rather than sinking deeper into the depression or the blues, we need to jumpstart ourselves out of it.

But there are times when we need to be present with what we are feeling, to let the process that is trying to naturally occur work. Instead of looking at it as a set-back or as if something is wrong with you or your choices, there is another perseptive to consider.

If you have ever asked yourself, “why am I feeling this way again?”

or

“why can’t I just be better already?”, then you are not alone.

Often during these times something would happen. I’d receive a sign that I wasn’t alone. My connection with Spirit (Source, Universe, God), would come softly back in, just because I was quiet. Or I’d purge my house of things I no longer needed, I’d purge my body of the excess and what wasn’t making me feel good, and I’d review and reevaluate what I was doing and what I wanted. I’d say no to something that I didn’t want to do. I’d go on a furious bender of cleaning or yard work. Something, or sometimes all of these. And then…. I’d start to feel a bit better.

It was as if each purge, removed a layer that I no longer needed. Each evaluation of what I no longer wanted was a chance to emerge as someone new. But not new, just more authentic to myself. This reminds me of two things.

1. How our skin is constantly shedding. Over a 24 hour period we shed around a million skin cells!

2. How trees and plants go through a consistent cycle of flourishing, shedding, hibernation and renewal

And important to not forget is the cycle of seasons. All parts of the world have some form of this. It is Mother Earth’s way of replenshing and renewing, and in order to renew, something needs to end. This is what I started to see in my darkest times, something needed to end or change, even if it’s small.

A crisis of faith and the resulting turmoil and struggle is a chance to clear out and eliminate what no longer serves, what is weighing us down, and what is keeping us from being whom we want to be, or what we want to experience. The pain of those moments, days, and weeks, is part of the process of transformation.

What I have learned is the longer I ignore what I need to evaluate or question, the longer I sit in my depression and pain without purging, and the longer and more painful the process is. We can live years in this cycle. I am sure we all know someone who sounds like this, or perhaps we have been this ourselves. Sometimes, we are not ready, or we don’t know how. Sometimes it feels more daunting and painful to face what is making us sick, than it is to stay with it.

Ultimately, we have a choice to make. We can do the work when we feel ready when the motivation hits, and we can take it in small bites if we have to. That spiral of the spiritual journey has many twists and turns.