While meditating on my soul’s prayer for myself, I had a vision of a lush, plump and vibrant flower almost dripping with dew. I felt that the dew of that flower had a medicine being offered to me. I opened my mouth and accepted the medicine, feeling the drop on my tongue spread out in a cooling sweetness.

After the meditation my body felt well, light and at peace. On this day, I had been musing a lot on sensuality, sexuality, and the womb connection to sexual healing. On how I could translate the years of journeying through these waters into service of others. A part of that was the relationship to pleasure after experiencing some form of sexual trauma or shame and how to clear that from the body and the womb space.

It is possible to enjoy sex and pleasure even after experiencing abuse or trauma, or an invasion of our boundaries. I know this, as I have experienced it. And I also know that it is a journey, often painful, often scary. Our wombs hold and store these experiences, at times unconsciously affecting our physical and emotional health. Yet the womb also holds for us a deep well of pleasure. This meditation and the radiating beauty and vibrancy of the flower reiterated for me that there was an important message here, signifying sensuality and sexual exploration as a healing balm to our wounds.

Sexual healing is a passion of mine, one I have explored quietly for years. A desire to explore and experience the depths of pleasure, despite how I felt about my body, what had happened in my past or the way most societies view female sexual empowerment. One thing I could always count on, was self-pleasuring.

In those moments, of the rising, erotic bliss, all the world would fall away and all it’s problems with it. The more I took care of myself, touched myself with love (even when my mind stubbornly screamed reasons for me to dislike my body or brought up the shame I carried), the more I proudly explored what I desired, the more energetic I felt. The less dull and tired I was. The more I found and saw amazing women in the world that were voicing their sexual freedom in divine worship and empowering self-acceptance.

In contrast, those times, when my body felt quiet and numb, I saw it in the lack of motivation, lethargy, a drop in confidence in my daily life. And I saw it other women, heard it in their stories. The thing is, this is totally normal. A drop in libido, sexual interest or desire happens. There is nothing wrong with it. Our cycles as women are like waves, ebbing and flowing, retreating, and swelling. Yet life experiences can prolong the retreat and create a different cycle of shame, fear, pain, and grief, ultimately reducing our vitality and well-being.

When womb work begins, layers of grief over losing trust in others and ourselves begins to release. The closed off heart and the reactive body begin to open. The heavy weight of self-hate and blame, disgust in our pleasure or lack of it, begin to slide off. Part of sexual healing means expressing what has happened, how we felt and how we cope. Yes.

And part of sexual healing involves learning what innocent pleasure feels like again.  As if we are young girls or women, coming back to what is right for us individually and inherent in our being. Even viewing our body, our yoni, our desires as a lush flower that opens petal by petal. The more we adore it, the more it opens and the more our life force flows freely through our very being. Self-pleasuring is a way of increasing vitality and wellness and is one step in reclaiming what was lost.

The message this flower had for me; was how in my work I can help with remembering that time. No matter how early it was crushed or snatched away. How I can be a safe place for women to re-explore from the viewpoint of their own sweetness. Not dependent on another person, or on how sexy they feel that day. But from a place of honoring ourselves. Truly honoring and loving what we have, even in the moments when our yoni is quiet, when our womb is silenced, when our voices don’t know the words to express what feels right. Re-connecting with the womb gives a chance to remember the innocence we had, and what it feels like to have those warm, sweet, and sensual touches in the way that feels best to us, in any moment, on any day. And to transcend the shame, humiliation, grief, or anger through integrating and acknowledging it. And in the end choosing ourselves over it.